pickyourmoments

He had to do it. He knew there was no choice. Not doing it would mean that things would just continue to be horrible for the rest of his life.

He had to break up with Janice.

He’d met her while at NYU, and the two had an on-again/off-again relationship ever since they were 19. She was the only woman Chandler had ever slept with, and even that hardly ever happened.

But that wasn’t why he was breaking up with her. He was breaking up with her for the same reason he’d broken up with her the previous 20 times: he could not freaking stand her. She was clingy and co-dependent and exactly everything Chandler was, and he knew from being exactly those things that they were not attractive qualities.

He didn’t even want to get started on the laugh.

When he’d decided that he was going to call it off, it was Phoebe, surprisingly, who had offered to help him through it. She had her own break-up that she’d been planning on doing, and had decided that she and Chandler should break up together.

And that seemed like a good idea. Right up until Janice walked into Central Perk with an arm full of shopping, and declared that she’d just had the most supremely awful day.

“Hey, that’s not good,” Chandler said. Even Phoebe agreed.

While Janice nattered on about some photo shoot and leaving to go shopping, Chandler ordered an espresso and a latte. He wasn’t usually one for the fancier drinks, but he felt like he could do with the extra caffeine. That was when Phoebe’s break-up came into the room, and Chandler watched as they exchanged quiet words, a calm hug, and then the guy just walked out.

“What?” he demanded.

Janice looked up at him, almost offended.

“What... did you get me, there?” Chandler asked. He hadn’t been listening at all, but she always got him something when she went shopping.

“I got you...” Janice said, digging through her bag. “These!” She pulled out a pair of Bullwinkle socks.

“That’s so sweet,” Chandler said, for lack of anything else to say.

“Well, I knew you had the Rockies,” Janice said. “So I figured you would wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you could wear Rocky and Rocky, or you could mix and match. Moose and squirrel.”

Chandler watched in horror. This was already going worse than he’d anticipated.

Things just generally went downhill from there. Within an hour, Chandler had downed about two dozen espressos, and was high as a kite. Not only over the course of the break up did he manage to cause a scene by making Janice cry (quite loudly), but somewhere, in all his mad flailing, he also managed to slap her in the face. Finally, when Janice ran off to the ladies room, Phoebe again came rushing to Chandler’s rescue.

“This is the worse break up in the history of the world! Chandler declared.

“Oh, my god,” Phoebe said. She went to take a sip of her own espresso, but Chandler snatched it from her hand and downed it in one. “Hey, how many of those have you had?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Chandler answered. “A million.”

“Chandler, easy,” Phoebe said. “Just go to your happy place.”

For reasons known only to Phoebe, she began singing at him.

“I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine,” Chandler insisted.

“All right.” Phoebe didn’t believe him at all, but she wasn’t about to argue.

“I’m not fine!” Chandler amended when he saw Janice coming back. “Here she comes! She’s coming!”

“All right,” Phoebe repeated before shushing Chandler. “Wait here, okay. Breathe.”

Chandler watched as Phoebe went over to Janice, and the two of them shared quiet words and a calm hug. When they were done, Janice looked tearfully over at Chandler before leaving the coffee house without another word.

“How do you do that?” Chandler demanded from Phoebe.

She just shrugged. “It’s like a gift.”

He took her hands in his. “We should always, always break up together,” he declared.

Phoebe smiled. “Oh, I’d like that!”

Chandler pulled her into a friendly hug before excusing himself. He very calmly walked out of the coffee house. Once out on the sidewalk, he screamed loudly and ran in the direction of the Park.

[ Bits of dialogue taken from Episode 01x05: The One With the East German Laundry Detergent ]